Valentine's Day is approaching. You have a Valentine…but are you really in
love with him or her? With your head spinning from all the heart-shape
chocolates and red roses, it can be tough to figure out. Fortunately,
scientists have pinned down exactly what it means to "fall in love."
Researchers have found that an in-love brain looks very different from one
experiencing mere lust, and it's also unlike a brain of someone in a long-term,
committed relationship. Studies led by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at
Rutgers University and one of the leading experts on the biological basis of
love, have revealed that the brain's "in love" phase is a unique and
well-defined period of time, and there are 13 telltale signs that you're in it.
1. This one's special
When you're in love, you begin to think your beloved is unique. The belief
is coupled with an inability to feel romantic passion for anyone else. Fisher
and her colleagues believe this single-mindedness results from elevated levels
of central dopamine — a chemical involved in attention and focus — in your
brain.
2. She's perfect
People who are truly in love tend to focus on the positive qualities of
their beloved, while overlooking his or her negative traits. They also focus on
trivial events and objects that remind them of their loved one, day-dreaming
about these precious little moments and mementos. This focused attention is
also thought to result from elevated levels of central dopamine, as well as a
spike in central norepinephrine, a chemical associated with increased memory in
the presence of new stimuli.
3. I'm a wreck!
As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional and physiological
instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy,
sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated
breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your
relationship suffers even the smallest setback. These mood swings parallel the
behavior of drug addicts. And indeed, when in-love people are shown pictures of
their loved ones, it fires up the same regions of the brain that activate when
a drug addict takes a hit. Being in love, researchers say, is a form of
addiction.
4. Overcoming the challenge made us closer
Going through some sort of adversity with another person tends to intensify
romantic attraction. Central dopamine may be responsible for this reaction,
too, because research shows that when a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing
neurons in the mid-brain region become more productive.
5. I'm obsessed with him
People who are in love report that they spend, on average, more than 85
percent of their waking hours musing over their "love object."
Intrusive thinking, as this form of obsessive behavior is called, may result
from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition that has
been associated with obsessive behavior previously. (Obsessive-compulsive
disorder is treated with serotonin-reuptake inhibitors.)
6. I wish we could be together all the time
People in love regularly
exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including
possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection, and separation anxiety.
7. I hope we stay together forever
They also long for emotional union with their beloved, seeking out ways to get
closer and day-dreaming about their future together.
8. I'd do anything for her
People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward
their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and being willing
to sacrifice anything for the other person.
9. Would he like this outfit?
Falling in love is marked by a tendency to reorder your daily priorities
and/or change your clothing, mannerisms, habits or values in order for them to
better align with those of your beloved.
10. Can we be exclusive?
Those who are deeply in love typically experience sexual desire for their
beloved, but there are strong emotional strings attached: The longing for sex
is coupled with possessiveness, a desire for sexual exclusivity, and extreme
jealousy when the partner is suspected of infidelity. This possessiveness is
thought to have evolved so that an in-love person will compel his or her
partner to spurn other suitors, thereby insuring that the couple's courtship is
not interrupted until conception has occurred.
11. It's not about sex
While the desire for sexual union is important to people in love, the
craving for emotional union takes precedence. A study found that 64
percent of people in love (the same percentage for both sexes) disagreed with
the statement, “Sex is the most important part of my relationship with [my
partner]."
12. I feel out of control
Fisher and her colleagues found that individuals who report being "in
love" commonly say their passion is involuntary and uncontrollable.
13. The spark is gone
Unfortunately, being in love usually doesn't last forever. It's an
impermanent state that either evolves into a long-term, codependent
relationship that psychologists call "attachment," or it dissipates,
and the relationship dissolves. If there are physical or social barriers
inhibiting partners from seeing one another regularly — for example, if the
relationship is long-distance — then the "in love" phase generally
lasts longer than it would otherwise.